Nipple?? Whatever happened to November??

Oh Dubai...

Yes I do love my new home, and one of the things I love about living in this country is learning new languages...like Hinglish. Oh yes boys and girls, at first there was Chinglish and now my friends, I am learning Hinglish, a not so comprehensible mix of Hindi and English. During the course of my day I encounter it countless times, and in fact I have gotten rather good at understanding it 90% of the time. My favorite though, is when you must ask a very nice Indian person to spell out their name/address/email/location etc as you have absolutely no friggin' clue what they are saying due to their strong Indian accent. (Again a little disclaimer here I have many Indian friends. I like them a lot. The fact that some of their countrymen have a bit of a strong accent which I don't always understand does not deter from that and finally please don't sue me!)

So the other day I was on the phone with a nice Indian gentleman talking a mile a minute (as the best part of Hinglish is that it absolutely MUST be spoken a warp speed!!!) and I have to admit I did not understand a word of what he was saying...so I had him give me his email address in hopes that we might possibly understand each other in a nice slow written format!!

He started spelling for me..."yay like yapple (Hinglish for A like Apple!) S like sukar (S like Sugar) "Yiy like Yindia (I like India -haha just got that one-no wonder they say it this way ;) !!) so here I am repeating "yay like yapple" etc, etc, meanwhile drifting off and totally picturing him doing his inevitable classic side to side head bob while he is spelling this out for me when bam...I am slammed back to reality with the next letter "Yen like Yipple...N LIKE NIPPLE!!!!!! whaaaaat??? Seriously, I am not even joking when he busted out "N like Nipple" I just about fell off of my chair! I guess that guy was missing something! "N like Nipple!!!!!" whatever happened to N like November?? Sometimes I wonder here! (okay to be often I often wonder about people here!!)

Well after I recovered from my shock I did manage a good giggle about it, it certainly was the last thing i expected to hear after moving to Dubai! Like I said, I love Dubai, never a dull moment!

Dubai World Cup -Racing and...you guessed it...boozing!

The Dubai World Cup is an annual extravaganza showcasing the best of the best, the fastest and sleekest horses in the world, flown in to Dubai super duber first class in order to compete for the richest purse in the world. It is a world famous race and one of the most important events on Dubai's events calendar, although I am pretty sure everyone I know just went to show off a new dress and booze it up in style!!

The whole thing is quite hilarious as the expat ladies with their big hats and party frocks stumble about drunk as skunk with their stilettos getting stuck in the grass while their equally pissed date for the night valiently tries to hold them up and rescue them from the soft giving grass without ruining their new Armani suit they've purchased for this show-off occasion... talk about physical comedy! The whole event is a huge irony as you can see from the picture below.

Crazy!


The horse races showcase Sheikh Mohammed's amazing arabian horses while Sheikh Mo looks on from the VIP section far removed from the bar stands on the grassy fields surrounding the race course. The first time I attended I have to admit that I was not entirely sober when I arrived. I had enjoyed the hospitality of a friend's pre-races party and it really just went downhill from there. Everyone around me was absolutely piss drunk and as a recent immigrant to this conservative Muslim country I was surprised at my surroundings, especially considering this is Sheikh Mo's big horse show!! As I looked around at the end of the evening slightly pissed I realized that I was all dressed up drinking overpriced wine in the equivalent of a beer garden having not even seen one race...I went home minus quite a bit of my hard earned dirhams and sorely disappointed with my supposed glamorous high flying dubai expat lifestyle.


This year I attended in high style as I was a guest of one of the major race sponsors and enjoyed their pink champagne, lavish buffet and even got to smoke a lovely Cuban cigar (don't tell my parents!!) What a difference that was, this is how the races are meant to be seen!! The horses thundered right past us as we were right by the track and this time I finally I suggest you do whatever you can to get your greedy little hands on one of those VIP tickets for next year as that was truly amazing, go big or go home, that's my motto ladies and gents :)

PO Box Blues

Getting mail is a special (read exasperating!) experience here in sunny DXB.

Most of us who have moved to this golden desert were used to getting mail delivered without a fuss to our home address before we immigrated here. However in our lovely sandpit there is no home mail delivery service and PO Boxes rule the land. What this means is that a few times a week I trudge down to Karama, sit in traffic and jostle my way to my PO Box to collect the mail...always a fun experience let me tell ya ;)

The funniest part though is when I give my new address to friends and family back home. It becomes a slightly disconcerning experience, when i give them the good ol':

Miss X
PO Box XYZ
Dubai
United Arab Emirates

I always feel like tempering it with an assurance that "I am not a terrorist I promise!!!" Many people back home can be a bit weary of the Middle East as they have never visited and have a rather scary view of the place due to what they hear on the news...and you have to admit that that address sounds like my friends' well intentioned care packages will be arriving at an unmarked terrorist training camp in the desert (and by the way I am 99% sure they don't have any of those here in beautiful Dubai though!)... but at least that line gets a chuckle.

So if you are bored and want to send me something...anything with chocolate is good ;) ...feel free, I'll be checking the PO Box tomorrow :)

Shotgun Wedding

A few months ago I had the pleasure of attending a friend's wedding. And even more recently I met their cute little baby...that's right ladies and gents..it was time for a shotgun wedding ;) ....and yes, we are actually in 2009 I swear.

Dubai is one of the world's most cosmopolitan cities, often seen in media worldwide, it has become increasingly popular and is often mentioned in the same breath as the great cities of London, Paris, New York and more. While Dubai is a city of excess and luxury where you can party it up in style; at heart, it is a truly conservative society. The large increase in Western expats to the region has brought an influx of liberal Western values which often clashes with the local "conservative" (on certain days!) values -let's just say some of the locals here are very conservative...and some are not so much!!! Balancing these two opposing poles is not always the easiest of tasks and many of the rules and local laws here come off as quite hypocritical. For example, Buddha Bar is a classic example of a fantastic high class world-renowned bar...and also known as Dubai's most famous prostitute hot spot!!!

While the rules and laws may be seen as quite backward and conservative, don't think for a second that this has stopped any of the issues that are more acceptable in the West such as unplanned pregnancy, cohabitation, drinking, homosexuality and prostitution. All of these are found in abundance here, it is just kept quieter and more under the radar compared to the West. There are laws outlawing all of these practices and obviously if you get caught they are enforced..meaning you will get to enjoy Emirati hospitality...at the local police station!

So anyhoo back to the wedding :) After a hectic 3 week engagement they tied the knot and about 6 months later welcomed a full-term baby into their lives. Talk about a nice wedding present ;)

What you have to know is that if you get pregnant out of wedlock here in lovely DXB they send you to prison with the baby for 3 months and then deport you...bit of a harsh consequence for a bit of fun that might have had unexpected results!!! Talk about a good time to say "no glove, no love babe!!" No prenatal care is available if you aren't married...but the truly ironic thing is that you can immigrate to the UAE as a single mother, you just can't sully their morals by becoming one here!!

Condoms are readily available here in any grocery store or even gas stations (no seriously the gas stations are really well equipped I was totally surprised the first time i went in to pay for my gas one morning when I first moved here and was confronted with a full array of condoms, lube and even those Durex vibrating penis rings -and I hadn't even had my breakfast yet, was a bit of a shocker let me tell ya!!!) Not to mention the fact that birth control pills are available without a prescription at any pharmacy, and are cheap as chips.

So in conclusion, the moral of the story today boys and girls, is that unless you feel like acquiring a lifetime money drainer that will eventually talk back and give you lip (also known in many circles as a very cute baby, the fruit of your loins, the light of your life :p) you should invest some of your hard earned dirhams in a little over the counter protection!

Ode to the Throne

One of the first things you will get used to in Dubai toilets is the ever present bidet hose. A local delicacy, it is a great way to flood a toilet and spread bacteria but hey it's apparently a 'must-have' here...I'm all for integrating myself into the local culture, but in this case I will be sticking to my good ol' TP (that would be Toilet Paper for anyone who's never been to summer camp or TP'ed a neighbour's tree at Halloween!)

The greatest thing about Dubai toilets however, is the multidute of signs posted in various bathrooms to teach bathroom etiquette. Keep in mind that Dubai attracts a great variety of expats and some of our ethnically diverse population might hail from a country where bathrooms aren't quite up to Western standards... (let's just say I have had the "pleasure" of squatting over some really nice holes in my travels throughout Asia and the Indian Subcontinent!!!) Therefore a couple bathroom lessons are sometimes needed to keep the peace. I really didn't know that people could come up with so many poems with variations on the "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie" theme!! I will endeavour to photograph a few of my favorites over the next few weeks and share them with you all.

For now I leave you with the sign I found today in a lovely bathroom, I guess people have been reading the sign and 'Flushing away their bad habits' here :)

Kissing Cops

I heart Dubai Police, or actually more truthfully they heart me!

I couldn't believe what happened to me today, I knew the police here were friendly but geez!

So here it goes...I had just parked my car in a public parking lot, after cruising for at least 10 minutes to find one of those elusive parking spots near the Crowne Plaza on Sheikh Zayed Road...which I only finally got by stalking a nice Indian gentleman who was walking to his car to leave! I had then gotten my lovely little 1 dirham parking coupon ...and of course I had managed to get the furthest spot from the parking ticket machine...super fun in 40C weather with high humidity let me tell ya! After all this I was now finally ready to go into my appointment, slightly sweaty and my hair a little worse for wear. As I went to cross the parking lot's access road I saw a police car approaching and I thought 'oh its the police he'll probably let me have right of way'...ha seriously... what was i thinking!?! I honestly think the sun must have fried my brain there for a second and fooled me into forgetting I was in Dubai. Seriously! Someone exhibiting a sign of common courtesy?!? That is certainly not how it works around here...its every man, or should i say slightly frazzled woman, for themselves here!

So the police car then whizzed by me before breaking suddenly. The policeman had now seen me and decided he liked what he saw! I guess even slightly sweaty i was having a good looks day. He then proceeded to honk his horn and blow me a kiss...SERIOUSLY!! I could not believe it...and was certainly not in the mood for it at that point. I ignored him and quickly hotfooted it to my appointment, I swear he looked like he was about to jump out of the car to ask me for my number! Some days I wonder here...

So to recap the score of that day, common courtesy 0, mild sexual harassment 1, total confusion on my part 1, Just another day in Dubai my friends. Welcome to my world :)

Dubai Foutain -Dubai's Latest Hotspot

The Dancing Fountains of Burj Dubai are a sight for sore eyes. I first got to enjoy this huge beautiful foutain at the end of a long day at work and it was instantly relaxing to watch these gorgeous swaying water jets. If you've got a spare hour in Dubai, be sure not to miss its newest attraction. The foutain itself is a massive and amazing display of coordinated music, lights and jets. The foutain blows water almost 80 feet into the air, I couldn't believe it!

Located in the Burj Dubai lake with the incomparable Burj Dubai Tower in the background, it is a postcard scene just waiting to happen. The combination of the world's largest tower and largest foutain are unequaled anywhere else on Earth!

The greatest part is that you can sit at the many of the wonderful restaurants at Souk Al Bahar and enjoy a lovely meal while admiring the fountain which plays around every 10 minutes. I loved the variety of songs, from arabic to pop opera, it was fantastic! I especially loved the pop arabic music as they did a great job coordinating the swaying jets and light show with the music. Kuddos!!

~Enjoy~