Nipple?? Whatever happened to November??

Oh Dubai...

Yes I do love my new home, and one of the things I love about living in this country is learning new languages...like Hinglish. Oh yes boys and girls, at first there was Chinglish and now my friends, I am learning Hinglish, a not so comprehensible mix of Hindi and English. During the course of my day I encounter it countless times, and in fact I have gotten rather good at understanding it 90% of the time. My favorite though, is when you must ask a very nice Indian person to spell out their name/address/email/location etc as you have absolutely no friggin' clue what they are saying due to their strong Indian accent. (Again a little disclaimer here I have many Indian friends. I like them a lot. The fact that some of their countrymen have a bit of a strong accent which I don't always understand does not deter from that and finally please don't sue me!)

So the other day I was on the phone with a nice Indian gentleman talking a mile a minute (as the best part of Hinglish is that it absolutely MUST be spoken a warp speed!!!) and I have to admit I did not understand a word of what he was saying...so I had him give me his email address in hopes that we might possibly understand each other in a nice slow written format!!

He started spelling for me..."yay like yapple (Hinglish for A like Apple!) S like sukar (S like Sugar) "Yiy like Yindia (I like India -haha just got that one-no wonder they say it this way ;) !!) so here I am repeating "yay like yapple" etc, etc, meanwhile drifting off and totally picturing him doing his inevitable classic side to side head bob while he is spelling this out for me when bam...I am slammed back to reality with the next letter "Yen like Yipple...N LIKE NIPPLE!!!!!! whaaaaat??? Seriously, I am not even joking when he busted out "N like Nipple" I just about fell off of my chair! I guess that guy was missing something! "N like Nipple!!!!!" whatever happened to N like November?? Sometimes I wonder here! (okay to be often I often wonder about people here!!)

Well after I recovered from my shock I did manage a good giggle about it, it certainly was the last thing i expected to hear after moving to Dubai! Like I said, I love Dubai, never a dull moment!

Dubai World Cup -Racing and...you guessed it...boozing!

The Dubai World Cup is an annual extravaganza showcasing the best of the best, the fastest and sleekest horses in the world, flown in to Dubai super duber first class in order to compete for the richest purse in the world. It is a world famous race and one of the most important events on Dubai's events calendar, although I am pretty sure everyone I know just went to show off a new dress and booze it up in style!!

The whole thing is quite hilarious as the expat ladies with their big hats and party frocks stumble about drunk as skunk with their stilettos getting stuck in the grass while their equally pissed date for the night valiently tries to hold them up and rescue them from the soft giving grass without ruining their new Armani suit they've purchased for this show-off occasion... talk about physical comedy! The whole event is a huge irony as you can see from the picture below.

Crazy!


The horse races showcase Sheikh Mohammed's amazing arabian horses while Sheikh Mo looks on from the VIP section far removed from the bar stands on the grassy fields surrounding the race course. The first time I attended I have to admit that I was not entirely sober when I arrived. I had enjoyed the hospitality of a friend's pre-races party and it really just went downhill from there. Everyone around me was absolutely piss drunk and as a recent immigrant to this conservative Muslim country I was surprised at my surroundings, especially considering this is Sheikh Mo's big horse show!! As I looked around at the end of the evening slightly pissed I realized that I was all dressed up drinking overpriced wine in the equivalent of a beer garden having not even seen one race...I went home minus quite a bit of my hard earned dirhams and sorely disappointed with my supposed glamorous high flying dubai expat lifestyle.


This year I attended in high style as I was a guest of one of the major race sponsors and enjoyed their pink champagne, lavish buffet and even got to smoke a lovely Cuban cigar (don't tell my parents!!) What a difference that was, this is how the races are meant to be seen!! The horses thundered right past us as we were right by the track and this time I finally I suggest you do whatever you can to get your greedy little hands on one of those VIP tickets for next year as that was truly amazing, go big or go home, that's my motto ladies and gents :)

PO Box Blues

Getting mail is a special (read exasperating!) experience here in sunny DXB.

Most of us who have moved to this golden desert were used to getting mail delivered without a fuss to our home address before we immigrated here. However in our lovely sandpit there is no home mail delivery service and PO Boxes rule the land. What this means is that a few times a week I trudge down to Karama, sit in traffic and jostle my way to my PO Box to collect the mail...always a fun experience let me tell ya ;)

The funniest part though is when I give my new address to friends and family back home. It becomes a slightly disconcerning experience, when i give them the good ol':

Miss X
PO Box XYZ
Dubai
United Arab Emirates

I always feel like tempering it with an assurance that "I am not a terrorist I promise!!!" Many people back home can be a bit weary of the Middle East as they have never visited and have a rather scary view of the place due to what they hear on the news...and you have to admit that that address sounds like my friends' well intentioned care packages will be arriving at an unmarked terrorist training camp in the desert (and by the way I am 99% sure they don't have any of those here in beautiful Dubai though!)... but at least that line gets a chuckle.

So if you are bored and want to send me something...anything with chocolate is good ;) ...feel free, I'll be checking the PO Box tomorrow :)

Shotgun Wedding

A few months ago I had the pleasure of attending a friend's wedding. And even more recently I met their cute little baby...that's right ladies and gents..it was time for a shotgun wedding ;) ....and yes, we are actually in 2009 I swear.

Dubai is one of the world's most cosmopolitan cities, often seen in media worldwide, it has become increasingly popular and is often mentioned in the same breath as the great cities of London, Paris, New York and more. While Dubai is a city of excess and luxury where you can party it up in style; at heart, it is a truly conservative society. The large increase in Western expats to the region has brought an influx of liberal Western values which often clashes with the local "conservative" (on certain days!) values -let's just say some of the locals here are very conservative...and some are not so much!!! Balancing these two opposing poles is not always the easiest of tasks and many of the rules and local laws here come off as quite hypocritical. For example, Buddha Bar is a classic example of a fantastic high class world-renowned bar...and also known as Dubai's most famous prostitute hot spot!!!

While the rules and laws may be seen as quite backward and conservative, don't think for a second that this has stopped any of the issues that are more acceptable in the West such as unplanned pregnancy, cohabitation, drinking, homosexuality and prostitution. All of these are found in abundance here, it is just kept quieter and more under the radar compared to the West. There are laws outlawing all of these practices and obviously if you get caught they are enforced..meaning you will get to enjoy Emirati hospitality...at the local police station!

So anyhoo back to the wedding :) After a hectic 3 week engagement they tied the knot and about 6 months later welcomed a full-term baby into their lives. Talk about a nice wedding present ;)

What you have to know is that if you get pregnant out of wedlock here in lovely DXB they send you to prison with the baby for 3 months and then deport you...bit of a harsh consequence for a bit of fun that might have had unexpected results!!! Talk about a good time to say "no glove, no love babe!!" No prenatal care is available if you aren't married...but the truly ironic thing is that you can immigrate to the UAE as a single mother, you just can't sully their morals by becoming one here!!

Condoms are readily available here in any grocery store or even gas stations (no seriously the gas stations are really well equipped I was totally surprised the first time i went in to pay for my gas one morning when I first moved here and was confronted with a full array of condoms, lube and even those Durex vibrating penis rings -and I hadn't even had my breakfast yet, was a bit of a shocker let me tell ya!!!) Not to mention the fact that birth control pills are available without a prescription at any pharmacy, and are cheap as chips.

So in conclusion, the moral of the story today boys and girls, is that unless you feel like acquiring a lifetime money drainer that will eventually talk back and give you lip (also known in many circles as a very cute baby, the fruit of your loins, the light of your life :p) you should invest some of your hard earned dirhams in a little over the counter protection!

Ode to the Throne

One of the first things you will get used to in Dubai toilets is the ever present bidet hose. A local delicacy, it is a great way to flood a toilet and spread bacteria but hey it's apparently a 'must-have' here...I'm all for integrating myself into the local culture, but in this case I will be sticking to my good ol' TP (that would be Toilet Paper for anyone who's never been to summer camp or TP'ed a neighbour's tree at Halloween!)

The greatest thing about Dubai toilets however, is the multidute of signs posted in various bathrooms to teach bathroom etiquette. Keep in mind that Dubai attracts a great variety of expats and some of our ethnically diverse population might hail from a country where bathrooms aren't quite up to Western standards... (let's just say I have had the "pleasure" of squatting over some really nice holes in my travels throughout Asia and the Indian Subcontinent!!!) Therefore a couple bathroom lessons are sometimes needed to keep the peace. I really didn't know that people could come up with so many poems with variations on the "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie" theme!! I will endeavour to photograph a few of my favorites over the next few weeks and share them with you all.

For now I leave you with the sign I found today in a lovely bathroom, I guess people have been reading the sign and 'Flushing away their bad habits' here :)

Kissing Cops

I heart Dubai Police, or actually more truthfully they heart me!

I couldn't believe what happened to me today, I knew the police here were friendly but geez!

So here it goes...I had just parked my car in a public parking lot, after cruising for at least 10 minutes to find one of those elusive parking spots near the Crowne Plaza on Sheikh Zayed Road...which I only finally got by stalking a nice Indian gentleman who was walking to his car to leave! I had then gotten my lovely little 1 dirham parking coupon ...and of course I had managed to get the furthest spot from the parking ticket machine...super fun in 40C weather with high humidity let me tell ya! After all this I was now finally ready to go into my appointment, slightly sweaty and my hair a little worse for wear. As I went to cross the parking lot's access road I saw a police car approaching and I thought 'oh its the police he'll probably let me have right of way'...ha seriously... what was i thinking!?! I honestly think the sun must have fried my brain there for a second and fooled me into forgetting I was in Dubai. Seriously! Someone exhibiting a sign of common courtesy?!? That is certainly not how it works around here...its every man, or should i say slightly frazzled woman, for themselves here!

So the police car then whizzed by me before breaking suddenly. The policeman had now seen me and decided he liked what he saw! I guess even slightly sweaty i was having a good looks day. He then proceeded to honk his horn and blow me a kiss...SERIOUSLY!! I could not believe it...and was certainly not in the mood for it at that point. I ignored him and quickly hotfooted it to my appointment, I swear he looked like he was about to jump out of the car to ask me for my number! Some days I wonder here...

So to recap the score of that day, common courtesy 0, mild sexual harassment 1, total confusion on my part 1, Just another day in Dubai my friends. Welcome to my world :)

Dubai Foutain -Dubai's Latest Hotspot

The Dancing Fountains of Burj Dubai are a sight for sore eyes. I first got to enjoy this huge beautiful foutain at the end of a long day at work and it was instantly relaxing to watch these gorgeous swaying water jets. If you've got a spare hour in Dubai, be sure not to miss its newest attraction. The foutain itself is a massive and amazing display of coordinated music, lights and jets. The foutain blows water almost 80 feet into the air, I couldn't believe it!

Located in the Burj Dubai lake with the incomparable Burj Dubai Tower in the background, it is a postcard scene just waiting to happen. The combination of the world's largest tower and largest foutain are unequaled anywhere else on Earth!

The greatest part is that you can sit at the many of the wonderful restaurants at Souk Al Bahar and enjoy a lovely meal while admiring the fountain which plays around every 10 minutes. I loved the variety of songs, from arabic to pop opera, it was fantastic! I especially loved the pop arabic music as they did a great job coordinating the swaying jets and light show with the music. Kuddos!!

~Enjoy~

Royal Peacocks & Cruising Camels, just another day in Dubai :)

The other day I was driving along at about 100 km/hr when the cars ahead of me started breaking suddenly. I was a little confused until I saw the peacocks on the road. Apparently the Royal Peacocks had escaped and gone for a field trip on the road. Quite a surprising experience I have to admit!

Back home I might have stopped for a dog on the road but who could have predicted a few years ago that I would now be breaking for the Royal Peacocks, too funny :) I thought it was a once in a lifetime experience, until i braked suddenly again yesterday. I guess they liked it so much they came back for more asphalt cruisin'!

Around here, seeing different animals on the roads is not an unusual experience, I've seen goats in the back of pick-up trucks being transported to market and camels in the back of a flatbed truck all gussied up on their way to a camel race. However my all time favorite is still the warning camel signs. As you go towards the Hatta border to Oman there are a few camel farms and these long-legged animals sometimes go for a stroll on the highway, believe me when I say that you certainly do not want to meet these great beasts when driving over 120km/hr.

Life is often funny over here as I learn about living and integrating into the local Arab culture in Dubai. I have now tried Camel milk (eww, don't want to try that again!) and camel meat (bit like beef but with a gamey aftertaste) and I am still loving living and learning over here. I am enjoying all my new cultural experiences, and besides, it sure makes for great stories to share with you all :)

The Million Dollar Man

In these tough economic times, I have had to start looking at my finances a little more carefully and think about cutting back. Dubai's property bubble has finally burst and the repercussions are definitely being felt here. It seems everyone knows someone who's been laid off and with almost everyone working in construction here, news of projects going on hold are a scary but all too familiar refrain at the moment.

This doom and gloom atmosphere has made me kick myself I didn't accept that offer a couple of months ago when a local guy tried to buy me...ahem...I mean marry me for a million dollars. Haha just kidding...well at least about the accepting part. The offer though was 100% real, I swear. I truly can't even make this stuff up!!

What?!? How?? where?!? I know, I know, I'm getting there, just hold on ;)

So I was at the gym minding my own business trying to work off my recently acquired addiction to Krispy Kremes (that's one for another blog ladies and gents) but anyways, here I was when this local guy came up to me out of the blue (well he had been staring at me all week but that was just creepy to start off with so I kept running away to the other side of the gym whenever he came around eww!) So back to the story, he comes up to me and without even a hello how you doing doll, starts "I want to marry you. I give you $1 000 000 (yes that's right one million!) and a new car" So I responded, "excuse me?!?" totally flabbergasted and just having trouble processing what he had just lobbed at me I stared at him blankly! "I give you one million" he repeated "and a new car, not an old one, a new one!!!" yeah because that's really what was going to change my mind! Not to mention that he was shall we say an OLDER gentleman and was barely 5 foot tall. The guy would have needed a step stool for the "you may kiss the bride" part!

Let's just say I ran away from that guy like my little jiggly butt was on fire! Who does that? I mean not even a hello, my name is blah blah blah, what's yours? I guess that's what happens when you have piles of oil money to burn!!

From that day on I've started wearing a pretty gold "wedding ring" to the gym... although in this recession I probably won't have to worry about repeat offers....here's hoping.

Smash Boom Crash...Driving in Dubai

The screech of tyres as you desperately pump the brakes...the sickening sound of crunching metal and shattering glass...if you've ever been in an accident you know what I'm talking about...and if you are a fellow Dubaiite, chances are you've experienced this first hand. I could invent some statistics here, or just look them up on the Internet i guess...but let's be honest...I don't care that much. All I know is that there seems to be a disproportionally high amount of accidents and fender benders here in DXB and I think I've been stuck in traffic behind most of them!

I've had my share of near misses, scratches and yes, of course I have had my share of accidents...and even caused a couple bumps myself. SORRY SORRY!! I have to explain that I learnt to drive in Dubai so it wasn't really the easiest training ground and I've only had a few very very minor accidents and I swear I never hurt anyone...unless that parking post had feelings...

Now the reason I bring this up today is that once again I narrowly escaped a potentially major accident today...apparently some people here think its acceptable to turn left on a RED LIGHT, into oncoming traffic, ie: me and the car just ahead of me. Let me also point out that this wasn't someone trying to squeeze in on the yellow or anything. The light for us had been green for our direction for at least 10 seconds when this person in a massive 4x4 decided to turn left on their red light to enter the Dubai Mall entry...a real smart decision on their part wouldn't you say?!? I don't get it, where are people learning to drive like this!!!!!!!!

Now at the risk of sounding a bit discriminatory (and I really am not I swear) I have found there are two major groups of people who have a total disregard for others on the road. First you've got the locals driving their massive Patrols and Range Rovers driving like a bat outta hell ready to run you over if you inadvertently get in their way...they own the roads and they want you to know it, now get the hell out of their way!!!!! Now for a little disclaimer here I actually really like all the Emiratis I have met and they are not all bad and yes i am sure its a very small group of bad drivers giving them a bad name. I have even had a local guy offer to park my car for me when i was faced with a little difficulty squeezing my own large 4x4 into a very tight parking spot a few weeks ago and it made my day! All I am saying is for your own safety watch out, especially if they are young drivers, I've noticed they tend to get... shall we say...a little overzealous on the speed...

Second, yes, I am going to say it, please don't hate me, but we all know its true here...indian/pakistani drivers. OMG!!!!!! I mean if you have been to India it all makes sense, of course they don't know any driving rules...cause there are none there!!!!!!! Who doesn't think 3 lanes really means 5 lanes plus a tuk-tuk, a motorcycle and everyone breaking for a random sacred cow on the road! I mean really, is it truly a surprise that they think its ok to make a U-turn from the outside right lane...seriously I cannot even explain how many times I have almost had an accident because of things like this. so again, watch out :)

Now, I really didn't mean to sound discriminatory, its just a fact of life here...so much so in fact that the Dubai government has deemed that if you are immigrating to Dubai and would like to exchange your home country's drivers license its not a problem, if you're North American, European or Australian that is. However if you are immigrating to Dubai from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, etc than you have to take 12 weeks of driving lessons before you can obtain your new license...I'm serious.

And if an accident does occur, welcome to the land of rubber-neckkers. All of a sudden cars slow to a crawl to stare at the tragedy. If there is any construction site nearby you'll also get hundreds of workers suddenly appearing and taking pictures of the gruesome scene on their mobiles...I have never seen anything like it!!!

All in all I have been lucky; I have narrowly missed being smashed into by a large concrete truck that swerved through 3 lanes of traffic while entering a major road from a semi-hidden construction site (also not a rare occurrence due to all the crazy construction sites here!). I have almost smashed into a gas truck when he blew a tyre and suddenly started swerving across five lanes of highway traffic on Sheikh Zayed Road, yes ladies and gents, a large 'kiss your ass goodbye' gas tanker -I thought I was a goner! And finally today my near miss collision due to one of the most idiotic or impatient drivers I have ever come across!

Luckily my mom always told me bad things come in threes so I am hoping that I am tapped out for the year. Wish me luck boys and girls!

PS: Just a little friendly warning if you are new to Dubai, NEVER EVER, and I really mean NEVER flip the bird to a local unless you want a short ride to the nearest police station followed by a flight home and a lifetime UAE ban. It's a huge offense and generally not a great idea if you catch my drift.

Until next time...Drive Safe ;)

Keep that Kissing at Home!

I love kissing, I do! Its fun, its flirty and its not a crime...oh wait here it is!!!

Within a few days of being here I had already been told by many new friends to keep the PDA's at home. Apparently kissing in public here is a big no-no...unless you would like to get a private tour of the local jail or would enjoy being deported. A little extreme i thought but they actually aren't kidding!

Well i figured when in Rome...

I soon found out it certainly throws a twist on things!

The first thing I learnt was that guys have found a great way to use this to their advantage (is that really a great surprise) It was actually quite cute when the first guy told me he just couldn't resist me and wanted to take me home just for a kiss cause he couldn't kiss me at the club...I didn't fall for that one...ok let's be honest, I didn't fall for that one again...

The next surprise i got was when the taxi driver told us to stop kissing, break it up and stay on our own sides of the taxi...oops...it was like getting yelled at by the schoolteacher!! Didn't try that one again ;)

Well from now on I'll keep the kissing at home!

Aromatic Greetings

I wish I could give you a scratch and smell sticker for Dubai....but you might not like it! Don't get me wrong, I love Dubai. I think its a great place and some of the smells I have encountered here have been lovely....but unless you are an avid fan of B.O. you're going to be in for a few uncomfortable moments...

I first stepped off the plane at Dubai International airport to start my new "Dubai Life" in the beginning of November, it was still 35C and humid here and the crushing wave of humid heat as I stepped off the plane was a clear indication that my DXB adventures were beginning! I don't think they let the weatherman here know that November is supposed to be a nice brisk Autumn where I am from!! I have to admit I was expecting a few shocks as I had never visited before and had had to accept my position in a rather hasty fashion after being allowed only a few hours to research it on the net...let's just say I thought I'd be up for an adventure!!

Somewhat dripping in sweat (a condition I have really become used to in this desert oasis!) I dug my handy flip flops out of my carry-on baggage and proceeded to customs to start my life in the Emirates... and bam did I ever get an Aromatic Greeting! The lovely locals at the customs and immigration desk smelled faintly of frankincense oud (perfume) which is a widely popular custom for the local Emirati people here and many people actually find quite pleasant, I on the other hand find it just tolerable. However the real challenge awaited me at the the baggage carousels, OH MY GOD! uggh, let's just say that I don't think deodorant is a high priority for many of the workers arriving in droves to work in Dubai.

Having been able to located my baggage in the sea of identical looking black suitcases (and with only one missing, it having decided to take a scenic detour to another country en route apparently!) I headed to the taxi stand to make my way to my new home.

And the smells continued... my cabdriver quickly made me realize that Old spice would definitely go bankrupt out here! I can't say I had ever had the pleasure to enjoy such a 32 minute smell-a-ton before (that's right exactly 32 minutes as I timed my torturous hotboxed B.O. smellride!) and I really am hoping its not something i will ever experience again...although living here I have my doubts on that point.

While my taxi driver was very pleasant and made a hearty stab at conversation it was all I could do to suppress my gag reflex. I have to admit I don't think I was a brilliant conversationalist on that occasion. Maybe you get used to it after a few years of living here...but I'm not holding my breath ;)

Bottoms up!

Welcome to Dubai, where drinking is The National Sport. I kid you not. And while you shake your head in awe at the thought of stumbling around this Muslim country completely off your knocker I assure you its not a joke. In fact they welcome you in at the Duty Free shop as you exit customs and immigration at DXB International Airport, where you can stock up on up to 4 bottles of booze or 4 cases of of beer if the fancy strikes you. All I can say is...let's get ready to partyyyy.

It is quite incongruous with a local population that claims to not drink due to their religious Muslim faith. Although even that claim varies from Muslim to Muslim and you'll realize within a day or two of being here that this rule is very loosely applied...in fact there's nothing that causes me more of a giggle than to see a regal looking Emirati man in a crisp white dishdash (the long white robe that is the national dress for men here) sat at the local pub enjoying a pint after work!

The next step in getting established in the Dubai lifestyle (that is after stocking up on emergency booze at Dubai Duty Free) was getting my very own "liquor license". It had to be one of the most surreal and funny experiences of my life. The size of my driver's license, its red and shiny and according to Dubai Police allows me to "purchase alcohol from legitimate retailers in Dubai, and to transport that alcohol to [my] residence" what a place I am now living in!

Once you have a stash of booze at home and the ability to buy more you will likely join the hordes of Brits, Aussies, South Africans and all the other expats getting right pissed at the infamous Barasti bar. If you are new to Dubai and have yet to meet any friends other than the nice real estate lady who set you up with your new serviced flat then head to this hugely popular beach bar and you will be sure to meet a whole new group of drinking buddies with whom you will now be able to stumble around Dubai's hectic party scene with.

Next you can join your new drinking buddies at an infamous Dubai Friday brunch. All inclusive bubbly and food is the draw here...as well as getting sloshed at 11am...and staying that way till 11 am the next day! This is the root of the Dubai drinking scene, you can smell the brunchers coming a mile away as they spill into bars and clubs at 4pm when the brunch comes to a close, as they frantically try to "keep their buzz". As a participant once myself I dare admit ;) I can tell you to make no plans as you will be drunk the whole entire day...and usually wake up still a bit drunk the next...until the hangover kicks in and you moan about your nasty headache and nausea while calling around to your friends to determine if it will be at Yalumba again next weekend or Al Qasr ;) Just remember to keep your knickers on as the infamous brunches have led to other infamous events....remember the lovely "sex on the beach" couple everyone giggled over a few months ago?!? I have a feeling Dubai jails aren't quite as fun as one would imagine... ahhh but that is one for the next post ladies and gents...join me again soon for more I hope...